I grew up in a Christian home, the oldest of three children. We went to church every week as a family. My grandmother, who also lived with us, would make me read the Bible, at least one chapter, and I had to be able to explain to her what I read. Even though I went to church every Sunday, I didn’t have a personal relationship with God in my early years; instead I would spend most of my time playing video games or listening to secular music, which eventually opened the door to the devil and he walked right in. I was introduced to the world of video games at an early age by my friend. I enjoyed my gradual immersion into the online gaming world, and my fascination continued to grow from there. That’s when everything started to change.
Because I was homeschooled, I would spend 8-12 hours a day playing video games. Inside, I was beginning to change. My behavior was changing too. I would become very agitated and was easily provoked to anger. My perspective on life was no longer the same. I would have outbursts of anger and frustration. My goals and aspirations began to die as well. My motivation to do anything was dwindling. I was losing interest in everything but still managed to do enough to make everyone, especially my parents, think everything was normal. I was sinking deep into depression, fear, and loneliness. With each passing day, I was sinking deeper and deeper into a life that held no meaning. Not long after, suicidal thoughts would come and go.
As the years went by, I desperately wanted to forget about everything. That’s when I turned to trance music to get my mind off of reality. Through music I would get into a trance and enter another world. I would enter a state of trance for a period of time and would feel invincible. This was my drug. But when the music stopped, so did the high.Then as time passed, I grew tired of video games and lost interest. I made a promise to myself that I would never touch another game again. It didn’t take long for me to break that promise. Within a few days I was right back at it again. I quickly realized that they weren’t going anywhere without a fight. After waking up one morning, I remember explicitly telling myself, “That’s it, starting today no more playing video games!” But before I could finish speaking, I felt something lift me up from the bed and sit me down to play. A demonic power was making me do it. That was it, I broke down and began to weep. I wept hopelessly in my room.
This was when I decided to follow Jesus even if it meant death! I had nothing to lose and everything to gain! The first thing I did was throw away thousands of dollars’ worth of video games, movies, and secular music discs that I have obtained throughout the years. I remember telling God, “I want nothing to hold me back and I’m all-in this time.” Surprisingly, the hardest thing for me to give up was movies! I always knew I would never be able to do it on my own. I looked up to heaven and said, “God if you don’t help me, then it’s not possible!”
Not long after, I met my future wife. About a month before we were to get married, very strange things began to happen to me. I started getting very strange sensations in my body, particularly in my stomach and throat area. I began to lose my appetite, and I ate less and less. I felt sick to my stomach like I was going to throw up. This feeling wouldn’t go away, it just kept growing. I would often run to the bathroom and lock myself in there. And since I didn’t eat much food, I would have nothing to vomit up but saliva. The night before my wedding, I spent almost the entire night locked up in the bathroom. My mind began to be flooded with all sorts of images and evil thoughts from hell. These thoughts would not go away for even a second. I would lie in bed crying to God every night. I remember thinking that I was losing my mind. I would sense the spirit of fear. It would oppress me and threaten to overwhelm me. I remember at times I would be afraid to be left alone in my room at night.This would go on for months! One night, I pleaded with God to take me home. I felt like God took me to the very brink of what I could handle. And while all this was going on, I never told a soul, not even my wife. But just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did.
I recall attending church service one evening and what I felt inside of me was one of the most horrifying moments in my life. I felt something take over me. I felt a strong urge to howl or scream. The urge was so powerful I could barely contain it, but I fought it down. For a minute, I thought I would actually run out of the church service because it was at my throat! Not long after this incident, while I was sitting in class, I felt something come over me again and it was so powerful that I almost couldn’t resist it. Once again I felt like screaming or howling but I was afraid to draw any attention to myself. Then fear seized me, and I would dash outside. I went home that same night and told my wife to just pray for me, while I fell prostrate on the floor in my living room, face in the carpet and sobbed. I sobbed and prayed, laying before the Lord begging Him to do something about this or else I might do something awful. As I laid there on the floor sobbing, I felt peace come over me! I have never experienced such peace before. It was a peace that passed all understanding. It was a peace I will never forget.
It wasn’t too long after that, I was delivered by Jesus Christ. But, before I conclude, let me point out that during the days that lead-up to this event in my life, I had been fighting a spiritual battle for months. I relied on scripture and prayer to get me through each hour. I was in a place where thoughts and images would haunt me. I could not find rest, day or night, and felt like I was losing the will to fight.But, I kept crying out to God for my deliverance, day after day, week after week, I waited and waited on God even when God was apparently silent.
In 2008, my wife and I went to a restaurant to celebrate her birthday. To me, the world was gray and devoid of beauty. I felt disconnected from it. I was weary and worn-out, and just wanted to stay home. But I loved my wife and she was excited. So off we went. We arrived at the restaurant and were seated.While waiting for our food to arrive, something happened to me. In an instant, I felt a release, like chains or weights dropping off my body. I felt a burden lifted off my back. I felt free. God completely delivered me and I knew that I knew I was free. I remember tears of joy and relief streaming from my eyes. It’s been 7 years now and I’m still free!
R.D.
Sacramento